So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Drunk is a universal language darling
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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