turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If I die, sorry about rent.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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