She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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