Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
