I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
