I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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