I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
