U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm jealous of your bromance
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
