I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
