u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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