Ketchup is God's man juice
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
