so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
