i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
