theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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