I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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