First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
