I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
