i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
