yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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