this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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