got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
