Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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