I can text with my tongue
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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