I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
