Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
