What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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