Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
