My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
