Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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