VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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