your parents love me but you hate me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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