I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
