Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love you. Go after that dick
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