just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
