Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
its not stalking. its research.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
