well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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