Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
