Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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