why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
