we're chasing vodka with high fives
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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