i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There's always time for handjobs
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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