my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
