Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
