Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
