Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
