True but thats because hes a fetus.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
