guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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