He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
