I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
