I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
