You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
