The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
