I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
