She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
