my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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