epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
