my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
