don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
this boner is exhausting
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
