glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
