I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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