so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
